Today I stood in front of a mirror and shaved all the hair off my head. It was something I had been considering for a while for no reason other than I was curious what I would look like. The fact that I was so easily able to go through with such a liberating act would have been a surprise to many earlier versions of myself. I have experienced a lot of discomfort in my skin. I have always been somewhat of a deviant but I have not always known how to embrace these parts of myself. I'm still learning how to be at ease.
It's difficult to experience my body and my mind without the judgmental inner monologue that likes to follow our brainwaves with sharp teeth. It can be so incredibly vulnerable to be naked but it can also be freeing. The first time I was naked in front of another person who didn't share my blood I was regarded as something beautiful. That surprised me. I've posed once before in a nude photo shoot and did not get to see the finished project until it was being projected in front of my entire class and my professor. My heart pounded. But I was just another skeleton with muscles and skin.
As I have become my queer self I have stopped worrying so much about others. I am in control and I have power. I am a strong woman with strong friends. I can chop off my curls and know that they will come back in their own time. I am able to experience my life and every pound of my heart with grace. I am still anxious and awkward at times but I am myself.
I was first attracted to this project because of it's title. I have a David Berman quote tattooed on my body: "It was the light in things that made them last." Light has no judgements, it touches everything, it exists purely and simply.
There is a certain amount of meditative freedom that I find by having to become completely vulnerable and bare. I become nothing more then I have been from the beginning, human. Once I am exposed, I am exposed. I relinquish control and must find faith and trust in the world that will view me. I am here.