“Nothing but Light… Nothing, but LIGHT. I found myself thinking this over and over on my way to the photo shoot. I was sitting in reflection, hours before, about this journey I was on to self love, and witnessed the importance the day would play in reaching my goal of a self-worth I haven’t known.
Naturally, well, at least for me, a bunch of negative thoughts, memories, poured into my thoughts, as if testing my decision to ascend rather than decline in life. Being a zombie is easy, I know, I lived it. But I chose an alternative, and this allowed me to move through my day knowing that I am love and loved, Nothing but LIGHT.
From the moment Anastasia appeared, I was immediately swept with a feeling of being lax. Her clear face displaying “What the fuck?” in a funny way. The back-story is that I had just left a message saying in my most proper tone “I am calling to let you know that I am currently outside,” yadda yadda, and she was a bit thrown by my choice of words. We immediately cracked up about the incident and then she offered me pancakes. Yes, you read correctly: she cooked PANCAKES! They were amazing too!
A key moment in our conversation, the moment that finalized my decision of being completely open, no matter how vulnerable it felt at first, was when Anastasia explained to me that she wanted to hang out before hand so we could “click.”
I am a person who values human connection very much, but also have not allowed myself to partake in it due to past scars I received from past hostile encounters in my life. I thought of the taking. I thought of the lack of ability to breathe. The zombie that followed. But then I remembered the resurrection. The battle scars.
The climbing of mountains. And the top, witnessing the view of the beauty that lay ahead. I’m for that downhill climb to the ocean, where I can swim naked and be held by her waters, hearing my own heartbeat as my ears are submerged underwater. Looking up and seeing the sun bursting through leaves overhead. Yah, come to think of it, that’s pretty much my life these days.
I was there when Anastasia took her photos. Even to the moment of me becoming fully nude, there was a moment of such acceptance. I felt seen, something often foreign to me. I would share only surface level parts of myself, a defense mechanism to remain untouchable. My guards had no place in her presence. We laughed, we listened… we clicked. On my way home I couldn’t stop smiling. I know a bunch of people on the 48 bus probably thought I was a bit strange, but I was too busy letting the light in, feeling my whole body, the tickle of butterflies as self love expressed her presence.
So this is my ode to self love. This is me. THIS is ME!!! Lover of nature, swimming naked in the ocean, painting on old boards and bodies. The girl who stares at clouds while lying on the roof, convinced the ocean and the sky are no different. The babysitter chasing an excited kid making very believable “Lava Monster” growls. The chick casually falling off her skateboard then skating away. The one with a crew of people hula hooping, dancing, singing and straight chillin’ on the stoop. Black, white, brown, red, yellow. Musician. Artist. Lover. Living. Human.”